I was talking it over with Tim at dinner tonight. Why did we put up with so much shit last semester? I keep thinking how I used to get caught in cycles of relationships that didn't really give me anything, but I somehow perceive that it was a healthy relationship and didn't realize I hung around parasitic people or people that just put up with me.
But that's over with. Sure, that person meant a lot to me back then. But she used me a lot, and I guess it still hurts because I did put a lot into our relationship.
And then he comes along and uses me even more. It's sad to say, but I think I even fell in love with him even though he made me promise not to.
Things are different now. Sure, those days I made some poor decisions about who I loved, but at least I was convinced my relationships would end in my being happy after all was said and done. I really like the people I hang around now, but I need to stop throwing my love and affection at every person that comes my way.
So, I like everyone a lot, but I don't love them yet.
Sheesh, I liked it better when I was stupid and didn't see that I should be so self sufficient. At least then, life wasn't so stagnant. And at least then, I wasn't asexual.
And I'm really getting that itch for city living right now. And I hate winter. And I hate how I kind of went back in the closet, because there is no gay life here at all and people are treating me weird.
God, I hate being stuck in a small town.
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