The sorry conclusion, the hole in the sky

commands what is tried, what is true.

But without solution, with feet on the ground

It won't make a sound until you're through.

So loosen your shoulderblades,

This is your hour to make due

because there on the timberline

a deep cold November shines through, soft and absolute.

This quiet serves only to hide you and provide you with what I knew:

it'd come back to you

My biggest problem with journaling is that I never say the things about myself that are true. I write about the things I want to be and the things I'll eventually do. Whenever I look back at my old journals, I see how much I wanted to escape myself. I can't remember the things that actually happened and all I know is that I couldn't stand my life back then. And all I have are rhetorical question and self defeating taunts to figure out why.

I mean, it's not like I'm amnesiac. I do remember the big parts of my life that happened, but journaling is about the details. Do you know how fucking cool it would be to know specific details about specific conversations I've had with people that once meant a lot to me? Right now, the only details I remember about my past are the conditions I thought the world and Iwould need to meet for me to be happy.

Oh well, live and learn. Life doesn't always have special meaning so no more recording it like it does.

This is the biggest difference between a theoretical approach and a practical approach to existence. AND I AM NO PHILOSOPHER.

All the good that won't come out of me.

I got a taste of what I thought I wanted. I still want it. But now I feel like I'm capable of everything I stood against. I feel like I'm no exception from any other shallow gay boy.

I don't want to fall into that lifestyle, but I can't stand being apart from it.

Lord, give me self control. Lord, make me want to use it.

Identity Theory

It feels so novel when someone says my name directly to my face. I don't know why, but it feels so gratifying when people reinforce my identity or something.

I'm feeling a hell of a lot better these days.

I'm going to look back at all of this ten years from now and realize, wow, I really needed to get fucking laid.

I mean, that could be the only reason I'm acting so pathetically.

Papier

I stayed up til 4 a.m. writing a paper. I have four hours of class that span til 8:50 tonight and I have a finish my take home queer theory midterm.

today is going to be gross.

And he takes and he takes and he takes.

Today, I ate a lot of really bad food. I miss cross country already, because when I would eat anything that was bad for me, I felt like I could justify it with the fact I'd run it off. It's so much harder to remain motivated to run these days. It's getting colder and I have no one to run with.

But, I'm declaring my major in a week. Sociology with a concentration in gender studies.

I'm writing a paper on the global shift of of women's role in the public / private realm and for once, I feel like I have come upon an academic subject where I actually feel knowledgeable in. Gender theory is so cool.

I have such a crush on my major, really. I mean, I'm giddy just thinking about it.

I haven't seen Charly or Rachel in a couple days now. I'm stopping by their room tonight to hang out with them because I miss them quite a bit. Interesting side note: They told me a friend of ours is interested in having a sexual encounter with me. She's a girl and I really like her a lot. Who knows, maybe I'll experiment.

Morgan said a girl slept walked into her room and pissed on her floor. W.T.Fuck?

I have a queer theory midterm to start and finish tomorrow. I wish I had more time. And I have to get up on that website. There's a lot to do, academic wise. But I'm getting a bit stir crazy.

I'm hanging out with Melissa Cochran over Thanksgiving break. She lives in Perry Hall. That's not too far. I can use a scene that is neither Harford County nor Frederick for a bit.

I FUCKING NEED TO TRAVEL MORE.




shit, this paper isn't writing itself.

tusk.

I need to be busy again.

I was talking it over with Tim at dinner tonight. Why did we put up with so much shit last semester? I keep thinking how I used to get caught in cycles of relationships that didn't really give me anything, but I somehow perceive that it was a healthy relationship and didn't realize I hung around parasitic people or people that just put up with me.

But that's over with. Sure, that person meant a lot to me back then. But she used me a lot, and I guess it still hurts because I did put a lot into our relationship.

And then he comes along and uses me even more. It's sad to say, but I think I even fell in love with him even though he made me promise not to.

Things are different now. Sure, those days I made some poor decisions about who I loved, but at least I was convinced my relationships would end in my being happy after all was said and done. I really like the people I hang around now, but I need to stop throwing my love and affection at every person that comes my way.

So, I like everyone a lot, but I don't love them yet.

Sheesh, I liked it better when I was stupid and didn't see that I should be so self sufficient. At least then, life wasn't so stagnant. And at least then, I wasn't asexual.

And I'm really getting that itch for city living right now. And I hate winter. And I hate how I kind of went back in the closet, because there is no gay life here at all and people are treating me weird.

God, I hate being stuck in a small town.